- 英語(yǔ)小笑話 推薦度：
- 英語(yǔ)小笑話 推薦度：
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英語(yǔ)的笑話
英語(yǔ)的笑話1
1.A history teacher and his wife were sitting at a table
一位歷史老師和他的妻子在吃飯
the wife asked “Anything new at work”, and he replied", no, I am teaching History".
妻子問(wèn)到：“工作上有什么新鮮事嗎?”丈夫回答說(shuō)：“沒(méi)有，我是教歷史的�！�
2.A man was at the doctor's office. "Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?" he asked .
一位男子來(lái)到醫(yī)生的辦公室。“醫(yī)生，每次我喝咖啡，我的右眼都有刺痛感。您說(shuō)我該怎么辦？”他問(wèn)道。
"Take the spoon out of your cup. " answered the doctor.
“把勺子從咖啡杯里拿出來(lái)�！贬t(yī)生回答說(shuō)。
3.To prevent our dog, Lacy, from pestering visitors to our house, my mother often massaged her as she lounged beneath the kitchen table, her favorite resting spot. One day a contractor came over to talk about a home-improvement project.
為避免我們的`狗，萊希，糾纏來(lái)訪的客人，我母親常在愛(ài)犬喜歡呆的地方，即餐桌下面，摩昵它。一天，一個(gè)建筑商來(lái)談居室裝潢工程。
As he and my mother sat across the table discussing the renovations, my mother slipped off her shoes and mindlessly soothed Lacy with her feet.
在這人和我母親坐在餐桌邊談居室的修茸時(shí)，我母親滑脫了她的鞋子，開(kāi)始不經(jīng)意地用腳摩蹭起萊希來(lái)。
My mother had been talking for about a half-hour when to her great embarrassment she heard Lacy bark outside the front door.
談話進(jìn)行了半個(gè)小時(shí)的時(shí)候，我母親突然感到很不好意思起來(lái)，因?yàn)檫@時(shí)她聽(tīng)到了萊希在前門外的犬吠聲。
4.A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.
一天早晨，一位黑人女人和一位金發(fā)女郎正走在公園里。
Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird
. 突然，黑人女人發(fā)現(xiàn)了一只死去的小鳥。
"Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.
“哦!看這只死去的小鳥。”她悲傷地說(shuō)。
The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
金發(fā)女郎停下了腳步，她抬頭望著天空，問(wèn)道：“哪，在那?”
5.The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"教進(jìn)化論的老師已經(jīng)滔滔不絕地講了快兩個(gè)小時(shí)，他的話題又來(lái)了：“讓我向進(jìn)化論者提個(gè)問(wèn)題——如果我們?cè)?jīng)像狒狒那樣長(zhǎng)著尾巴，那么現(xiàn)在尾巴到哪里去了?”
"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
“我來(lái)試試看，”一位老太太說(shuō)�！霸撌俏覀�?cè)谶@里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧�！�
6. A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a divorce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."
有一個(gè)丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚�！拔也幻靼�，”法官說(shuō)，“你們?yōu)槭裁吹搅诉@把年紀(jì)還要離婚?”丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們以前是喲等到孩子們都死了�！�
7."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生嗎?”老板問(wèn)他的一個(gè)員工。 “我相信，先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。 “哦，那還好”。老板接著說(shuō)。 “你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮后，她老人家到這兒看你來(lái)了�！�
8.Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.弟弟：我看見(jiàn)你親我姐姐了，如果你不給我五分錢，我就告訴我爸。
Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.姐姐的男朋友：不要那樣做。給你五分錢。
Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.弟弟：我這個(gè)月已經(jīng)賺了一塊兩毛五了。
9.s a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
一名陌生人走進(jìn)一家鄉(xiāng)間小商店，看到玻璃門上帖著的一個(gè)告示牌上寫著，“危險(xiǎn)! 小心有狗!” 進(jìn)去后，他看到一條樣子一點(diǎn)都不兇的老狗趴在收款機(jī)旁邊的地板上睡覺(jué)。 “這就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊?” 陌生人問(wèn)店主�！笆�，就是他”，店主回答。 聽(tīng)到這個(gè)回答， 陌生人覺(jué)得很好笑�！拔矣X(jué)得那條狗一點(diǎn)都不可怕。 你帖那個(gè)告示做什么?” “因?yàn)�，�?店主解釋說(shuō)，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他絆倒�！�
10.Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?
年少的童子軍：我怎樣才能把蘑菇和毒蕈區(qū)別開(kāi)呢?
Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom.
年長(zhǎng)的童子軍：上床前吃一個(gè)。如果你第二天早上醒來(lái)，那就是蘑菇。
英語(yǔ)的笑話2
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition
if I Am a Manager
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.
英語(yǔ)的笑話3
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
英語(yǔ)的笑話4
While the doctor was looking over the man, his wife kept fussing(煩躁，發(fā)牢騷) andjabbering(快而含糊地說(shuō)) all the time. The doctor told her: "Your husband must get absolute rest and quiet." Then he left some sleeping pills.
The man's wife asked, "When do I dive them to my husband?" The doctor replied, "No, they are not for him. They are for you. You need them."
有個(gè)人生病了。他的妻子請(qǐng)了一位醫(yī)生來(lái)給他治病。
醫(yī)生在給他治療的時(shí)候，他的'妻子一直大驚小怪，神神叨叨地緊張不安。醫(yī)生對(duì)她說(shuō)：“你的丈夫必須絕對(duì)休息和保持安靜�！� 然后他就留下了一些。
她問(wèn)醫(yī)生：“什么時(shí)候給我丈夫吃這些藥呀!”醫(yī)生回答說(shuō)：“不用，這些藥不是給他吃的，是給你吃的，你需要�！�
英語(yǔ)的笑話5
1、 "A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
一群美國(guó)人乘長(zhǎng)途汽車在荷蘭旅游。他們?cè)谝粋�(gè)奶酪場(chǎng)停下來(lái)。一位年輕的導(dǎo)游帶他們參觀了奶酪制作的全過(guò)程，解釋說(shuō)用的是羊奶。 她指給這群人一個(gè)美麗的山坡，山坡上許多羊在吃草。對(duì)這些，她解釋說(shuō)，是放逐草地的老羊，它們已不能再產(chǎn)奶。她然后問(wèn)道：“在美國(guó)你們?cè)鯓犹幚砝涎蚰�？�? 一位活潑的老紳士回答說(shuō)：“他們讓我們乘車旅行！”"
2、 Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth． “What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met． “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply．
這是華盛頓的一個(gè)陰冷天。錢普·克拉克正和一個(gè)來(lái)訪的英國(guó)人討論城市的'流浪兒，英國(guó)人詳細(xì)地?cái)⑹鲋鴤惗厥教觳诺臋C(jī)智。克拉克宣稱，要是對(duì)方向華盛頓街上任何一個(gè)兒童提任何問(wèn)題，那孩子都會(huì)對(duì)答如流。他們便出發(fā)了。 “什么時(shí)候了，小兄弟？人們說(shuō)你能用鼻子報(bào)時(shí)�！� 回答是：“先生，問(wèn)問(wèn)你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”
3、 "The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked."I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied."Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean."No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.
農(nóng)校的招生辦主任在面試一個(gè)上線的學(xué)生，“你為何要選擇這個(gè)職業(yè)？”他問(wèn)。 “我夢(mèng)想以經(jīng)營(yíng)農(nóng)場(chǎng)來(lái)賺一百萬(wàn)元，就像我父親一樣�！边@個(gè)學(xué)生回答說(shuō)。 “你父親經(jīng)營(yíng)農(nóng)場(chǎng)賺了一百萬(wàn)元？”主任驚詫地問(wèn)道�！皼](méi)有，”這位申請(qǐng)人回答道，“他總是夢(mèng)想著賺到這個(gè)數(shù)目�！�
4、 "Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends. Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!
弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個(gè)終生單身漢。他曾追求過(guò)很多女孩，但“從不過(guò)熱----見(jiàn)好就收”。一天他突發(fā)奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時(shí)女友。他回來(lái)即嘆道：“噓！謝天謝地幸虧我沒(méi)娶那些女人中的任何一個(gè)。如今她們都成寡婦了！”
5、 "A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head." "Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes.""Where is the shopping bag?" "I haven't got one-use your hat."
一個(gè)小男孩向他母親哭訴道：“他們都取笑我，說(shuō)我腦袋大�！� “別聽(tīng)他們的，”他母親安慰道，“你有一個(gè)很漂亮的腦袋。好啦，別哭了，去商店買十斤土豆來(lái)�！� “購(gòu)物袋在哪兒？” “沒(méi)購(gòu)物袋了----就用你的帽子吧�！�
6、 "Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.
我趕著開(kāi)車將11歲的女兒送到學(xué)校去，在紅燈處右拐了，而那是不允許的(譯注:在一些國(guó)家如英國(guó),其交通規(guī)則是車輛左行的,與我國(guó)相反)。啊噢，意識(shí)到犯了錯(cuò)誤，我說(shuō)。我剛才拐彎是違章的。我想那沒(méi)關(guān)系的，女兒回答說(shuō)：我們后面的警車也同樣拐了彎。"
7、 "A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
乘客輕拍了一下出租車司機(jī)的肩膀，想問(wèn)個(gè)問(wèn)題。司機(jī)大叫起來(lái)，車也失去了控制，幾乎撞上一輛公車，還上了便道，在還差幾厘米就撞上商店櫥窗時(shí)終于停了下來(lái)。司機(jī)說(shuō)：“伙計(jì)，別再這么干了。你把我嚇破膽了！”乘客抱歉地說(shuō)，“我沒(méi)想到拍你一下就嚇成這樣�！� 司機(jī)說(shuō)：“對(duì)不起，也不全是你的錯(cuò)。今天是我第一天開(kāi)出租，以前25年里我一直開(kāi)殯葬車�！�
8、 A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".
一個(gè)竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個(gè)喜歡的CD機(jī)，他趕緊拿了。就在這個(gè)時(shí)候他聽(tīng)到有人說(shuō)：“耶穌正在看著你�！彼罩蛛娍磥�(lái)看去，嘀咕著：“到底是什么人在說(shuō)話？”這時(shí)，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來(lái)了：“耶穌正在看著 你。”他躲到一個(gè)角落，想找 出是誰(shuí)在說(shuō)話。結(jié)果看到一只鸚鵡，于是他問(wèn)鸚鵡：“是你在說(shuō)話嗎？”鸚 鵡承認(rèn)了。 小賊說(shuō)：“你叫什么名字？”“摩西”。小賊說(shuō)：“什么人給鳥取這種名字？”鸚鵡回答：“就是那個(gè)給他的羅威那犬取名為‘耶穌’的那個(gè)人啊�！�
9、 "The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?" "I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
姑娘找到媒人，說(shuō)：“你欺騙了我。他的一只眼是假眼，你以前為什么不告訴我？” “怎么沒(méi)告訴你？”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見(jiàn)面后，我就說(shuō)，他一眼就看中你了。”
10、 "Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
兩個(gè)小男孩在他們的祖父母家過(guò)夜。睡覺(jué)時(shí)間到了，這兩個(gè)小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，“我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個(gè)新游戲機(jī)……我祈求有一個(gè)新錄像機(jī)……”他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說(shuō)：“你為什么這么大聲地喊叫呢？上帝又不是聾子。”弟弟聽(tīng)了回答道：“上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀！”
英語(yǔ)的笑話6
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.一男子去酒吧，點(diǎn)了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。當(dāng)他環(huán)視酒吧時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)一只猴子蕩下來(lái)，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
該男子問(wèn)酒吧招待，這只猴子是誰(shuí)的。服務(wù)員回答說(shuō)是鋼琴手的。男子走到鋼琴手面前問(wèn)：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的`啤酒嗎?”鋼琴手回答說(shuō)：“沒(méi)有，但是如果你能哼唱，我會(huì)為你演奏的�！�
英語(yǔ)的笑話7
What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime?
綿羊在圣誕節(jié)會(huì)對(duì)其它同伴說(shuō)什么?
Merry Christmas to ewe(發(fā)音同you)!
母羊圣誕節(jié)快樂(lè)。(祝你圣誕節(jié)快樂(lè))
What's the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?
把什么放進(jìn)圣誕大餐上最好。
Your teeth!
你的牙齒。
Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
為什么圣誕節(jié)都要吃大餐?
So you can say "Merry Crispness"!
因?yàn)槟憔涂梢哉f(shuō)“吃得快樂(lè)”
Knock Knock.
咚咚咚。
Who's there?
誰(shuí)呀
Mary.
瑪麗
Mary who?
哪個(gè)Mary?
Mary Christmas!
Mary Christmas(圣誕節(jié)快樂(lè))
A definition of Christmas:
圣誕節(jié)的定義：
The time when everyone gets "Santa"-mental.
人人都為圣誕老人瘋狂。
What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker?
一個(gè)圣誕節(jié)爆竹會(huì)對(duì)另一個(gè)圣誕節(jié)爆竹說(shuō)什么?
My POP is bigger than yours!
我的爆炸聲比你的'爆炸聲大
What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
你把從富人家偷來(lái)禮物送給窮人家的精靈叫什么?
Ribbon Hood!(Robin Hood)
What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
圣誕節(jié)Christmas Day最后的是什么?
The letter "Y"!
字母Y
What do angry mice send to each other in December?
生氣的老鼠在12月給每個(gè)人送什么?
Cross mouse cards! 穿過(guò)老鼠卡(Christmas Card圣誕賀卡)
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
亞當(dāng)在圣誕節(jié)前一晚說(shuō)什么?
It's Christmas, Eve!
Eve，是圣誕節(jié)了。(It's Christmas Eve 平安夜)
"Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?"
你會(huì)買圣誕節(jié)期間使用的紀(jì)念郵票嗎?(你會(huì)買Christmas 海豹嗎?)
"No, I wouldn't know how to feed them."
不會(huì)，我不知道怎么養(yǎng)它們。
What is the best key to get at Christmas?
圣誕節(jié)最好的key是什么?
A turkey!
turkey(伙計(jì))
What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
圣誕節(jié)給父母送什么最好?
A list of everything you want!
你最想要的禮物清單。(免得爸媽還要絞盡腦汁的想送什么給我)
What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
圣誕節(jié)野生動(dòng)物都唱什么?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
(叢林響叮當(dāng)，叢林響叮當(dāng)，到處都是叢林)
What's the favourite Christmas Carol of new parents?
剛當(dāng)上爸媽的人圣誕節(jié)最喜歡唱什么歌?
Silent Night!
安靜的夜。(今晚孩子不要哭)
Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
槲寄生在哪兒出名的?
"Holly" wood!
好萊塢。(神圣的森林)
What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
圣誕蠟燭會(huì)對(duì)其它同伴說(shuō)什么?
You light me up!(歌曲)
你照亮了我。
英語(yǔ)的笑話8
英語(yǔ)幽默笑話 和上帝對(duì)話
A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
一男子進(jìn)入教堂和上帝對(duì)話。
He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."
他問(wèn)：“主啊，一百萬(wàn)美元對(duì)你意味著多少?”上帝回答：¨一便士。” 男子又問(wèn)：“那一百萬(wàn)年呢，?”上帝說(shuō)：“一秒鐘�！弊詈竽凶诱�(qǐng)求道：”上帝，我能得到一便士嗎?“上帝回答：“過(guò)一秒鐘�！�
單詞&詞組
retirement ，退職，退休
mower 割草機(jī)
fake 假貨，欺騙
gossip 閑話，閑談
contented 滿足的，心安的
interfore 誠(chéng)干涉，干預(yù)
apply for 請(qǐng)求，申請(qǐng)
fumiture 家具，設(shè)備
atom bomb 原子彈
知道不知道
都說(shuō)全世界屬中國(guó)人的思維最復(fù)雜，說(shuō)話曲里拐彎的，沒(méi)想到老外也有這樣的。據(jù)說(shuō)中國(guó)人重直覺(jué)( intuition)，英美人重實(shí)證( evidence)，中國(guó)人重形象思維(figurative thinking)，英美人重邏輯思維( logical thinking)。
Ari adult decision
成年人的抉擇
The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.
我兒子十八歲前的那一年，常常向我提出準(zhǔn)許他文身。但我拒絕允許他這么做。他爭(zhēng)辯說(shuō)他不久就要成為男子漢了，并說(shuō)他應(yīng)該能夠做出成年人的抉擇了。果然，十八歲生日的幾天后，他文了身，回到家里。盡管我對(duì)此感到不高興，但出于好奇，我想看看他選擇了什么雄性象征物。原來(lái)他在肩上文了一個(gè)兩英寸長(zhǎng)的米老鼠像。
英語(yǔ)幽默笑話 可以借用一下嗎
Are you using your mower this afternoon?
今天下午你準(zhǔn)備用割草機(jī)嗎?
Mr. Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon?
約翰遜先生：今天下午你準(zhǔn)備用割草機(jī)嗎?
Mr. Smith.Yes.
史密斯先生：是的。
Mr. Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it ?
約翰遜先生：太好了。既然您不用網(wǎng)球拍，那我可以借用一下嗎?
英語(yǔ)幽默笑話 卷煙廠都失火
Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday .’‘Don't worry ,dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later .’He said with a smile.
瑪麗非常討厭丈夫吸煙，一天她對(duì)丈夫抱怨說(shuō)：“我希望有一天所有卷煙廠都失火�！薄安挥脫�(dān)心，親愛(ài)的，所有的煙卷遲早都會(huì)點(diǎn)著的�！彼χf(shuō)
英語(yǔ)幽默笑話 媽媽不見(jiàn)了
A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "l've lost my moml" The cop said,"What's she like?" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!”
有一個(gè)小女孩走丟了，于是她走到一個(gè)警察跟前說(shuō)：“我媽媽不見(jiàn)了!”這個(gè)警察說(shuō)：“她什么樣子?”小女孩回答：“買東西和說(shuō)閑話!”
英語(yǔ)幽默笑話 Get the kid
讓小的`干吧
A bit of advice for those about to retire. lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community. Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid.
這里想對(duì)將要退休的人提一點(diǎn)忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，千萬(wàn)別進(jìn)退休社區(qū)。因?yàn)槟抢锏娜硕计甙耸畾q或者八九十歲了。每當(dāng)要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時(shí)，他們會(huì)喊，“讓小的干吧。
英語(yǔ)的笑話9
Some businessmen were talking about advertising on tv excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, every one had his point of view。
At this moment, Mr. Grey came by. grey was a car dealer and he had once made an advertisement。
"What are you talking about?" Mr. Grey asked。
"Does advertisement work or not?" one of the businessmen asked。
"Oh, yes, it works very fast," Mr. Grey said. " I once advertised for my watch-dog and offered a reward of $100."
"Did you get the dog back?"
"No, but that very night three of my cars were stolen."
一群商人正熱烈地討論在電視上做廣告。他們中沒(méi)有人做過(guò)，所以每個(gè)人都有自己的想法。
此時(shí)，格雷先生進(jìn)來(lái)了。格雷是一個(gè)汽車經(jīng)銷商，他曾經(jīng)做過(guò)一次廣告。
“你們?cè)谟懻撌裁?”格雷先生問(wèn)。
“廣告有用不?”其中一位商人問(wèn)。
“噢，有用，而且見(jiàn)效非常快�！备窭紫壬f(shuō)，“我曾經(jīng)發(fā)布了一條廣告，要花100美金尋找一條丟失的`看門狗�！�
“你的狗找到了嗎?”
“沒(méi)，但是那個(gè)晚上我的三輛車被偷走了�！�
英語(yǔ)的笑話10
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【一】
teacher: here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. now who can tell us which is which?
student: i cannot point out but i know the answer.
teacher: please tell us.
student: the swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【二】
"can you tell me what fish net is made, ann?"
"a lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
幽默的'英語(yǔ)笑話【三】
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【四】
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【五】
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.
“Why are you so nervous?"I asked him.
"The numbers are the date of our annivorsary．my husband confessed.
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【六】
One moming a colleague said，"I need to leave early tomorrow That aftemoon he followed up with, "Looks like l'll be coming in late tomorrow,but if my coming in late runs into myIeaving early,then I won't be in at all."
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【七】
The Great Lakes Laboratoryemployed a licensed boat captain for its research vessel.It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this,they would often aproach him about jt,"ls it true ？ You,a boat captain, can't swim ? ""No,I can't!"he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【八】
A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. "Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【九】
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.""But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.""Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C.""Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
幽默的英語(yǔ)笑話【十】
One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry． “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon；yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro．” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey． In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates．”
英語(yǔ)的笑話11
不必再看眼科醫(yī)生了
It had been many years since my last eye exam,and my wife was pestering me to make an appointment. The more she nagged , the more I procrastinated. Finally，she made an appointment for me.
我己經(jīng)很多年沒(méi)做眼睛檢查了。我妻子總是催我去掛個(gè)號(hào)。她越是督我，我越是耽擱不去。最后，她替我掛了個(gè)號(hào)。
The day before I was to see the doctor，I was in an affectionate mood. After kissing and hugging her, I told her she really looked. good to me.,
在我去見(jiàn)醫(yī)生的前一天，我的情緒特別好。我對(duì)妻于又是親又是抱，還說(shuō)她是我眼里最漂亮的'女人.
"That does it,”she said.“I'm canceling your appointment."
她說(shuō):“這回眼睛沒(méi)問(wèn)題了，那我現(xiàn)在就去把號(hào)退了�！�
英語(yǔ)的笑話12
送禮
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sum of money was talking to his lawyer.
一個(gè)被告卷入了一樁牽涉大筆資金的訴訟案，他去找他的律師。
A:If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.
如果我輸了這場(chǎng)官司，我就完了。
B:It's in the judge's hand now.
這事掌握在法官的手上。
A:Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?
如果我給法官送一箱雪茄，會(huì)不會(huì)起點(diǎn)作用?
B:Oh.no !This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.A turu like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hald you in contempt of coun. in fact.you shouldn't even smile ai the judge.
哦.不會(huì)的!這位法官很固執(zhí)，非常注意職業(yè)道德。這種花招只會(huì)讓他對(duì)你產(chǎn)生偏見(jiàn)，他甚至?xí)J(rèn)為你蔑視法庭。事實(shí)上，你甚至都不用對(duì)他微笑。
With in the course of time,the judge wndered a decision in favor of the defendant.As the defendanL leR the counhouae,
最后，法官作了一個(gè)有利于被告的判決，當(dāng)被告離開(kāi)法院時(shí)。
A:Thanks for the tip about the cigars.It worked.
謝謝你關(guān)于雪茄的忠告，這很管用。
B:I'm sure we wodd have lost the caae if you'd sent them.
如果你送了的話，我肯定會(huì)輸?shù)暨@場(chǎng)官司。
A:But did send them.
但是我的'確送了。
B:What? You did?!
什么?你送了?!
A:Yes.That's how we won the case.
對(duì)，這就是我們會(huì)贏這場(chǎng)官司的原因。
B:I don't understand.
我不明白。
A:It's easy.I sent the cigars to the judge,but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.
這很簡(jiǎn)單，我把雪茄送到了法官那里，但是附上了原告的一張名片。
英語(yǔ)的笑話13
急診Help! Doctor
"Help! Doctor! Please come quickly! My ten-year-old son has just swallowed a pen!"
"Ok, I'll be right there. I'll be there in 10 to 20 minutes."
"Good, but...what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"
"Just use another pen!"
“醫(yī)生，救命!請(qǐng)您快點(diǎn)兒到，我十歲的兒子剛剛吞掉了一支鋼筆!”
“好，我十幾分鐘就到，”
“好的`，那……這十幾分鐘我應(yīng)該做什么呢?”
“換支筆用!”
英語(yǔ)的笑話14
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go Slow" .
老師：湯姆，你為什么每天上學(xué)遲到？
湯姆：我每次路過(guò)拐角，一個(gè)路標(biāo)上面寫著：“學(xué)校——慢行”。
英語(yǔ)的笑話15
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
一個(gè)人正在看報(bào)紙，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎鍋敲他的后腦勺。
He asks, What was that for?
他問(wèn)道：“干什么？”
She says, I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it.
她說(shuō)：“我在你口袋里發(fā)現(xiàn)了一張寫有‘Betty Sue’的.紙條�！�
He says, Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on. She shrugs and walks away.
他說(shuō)：“哎呀，親愛(ài)的，‘Betty Sue’是我賭的那匹馬的名字�！彼柫寺柤�，走了。
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
三天后他正在看報(bào)紙，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎鍋敲他的后腦勺。
He asks, What was that for?
他問(wèn)：“又干嘛？”
She answers, Your horse called.
她答道：“你的馬打電話來(lái)了�！�
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